Change Starts with You, Not Your Children

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. — Galatians 5:22-23

“Nate! You stop yelling and chasing your sister! Right now!”

Nate was at that age. As a three-and-half-year-old, he was merely doing what kids in the “half years” do. This was not surprising. What was surprising is that his adult mother had just leapt a baby gate like an Olympic hurdler, screaming at the top of her lungs as she ungracefully chased her son around the toy-filled room. I was determined to put a stop to his behavior, insisting that he treat his little sister, Libby, with patience, kindness, and grace.

In McCord family legend, the comically chaotic episode became known as “Babygate.” It was quite a scene, and somewhere in the madness of the moment, God opened my eyes to the fact that I was acting in the very way I was demanding that Nate should change. Unaware of the reasons behind my reactions, I failed to remain mindful and composed, letting my unhelpful overreactions take control. No matter what I was hollering at the time, I inadvertently taught Nate that chasing and yelling were acceptable actions, reinforcing the very behavior I sought to prevent.

Before our kids came into our lives, I had this picture-perfect idea of how I was going to parent and shape my kids. Have you done this as well? If so, have you ever noticed that your vision of how you want your kids to be shaped matches your personality type? Well, this was absolutely true for me. In fact, everything I was trying to instill in my kids came directly from my Enneagram Type Nine perspective. I dreamt of us spending quality time together, growing and learning as a family while building strong, harmonious bonds. We would have a home where we played lots of board games together, enjoyed long talks around a cozy dinner table, and cuddled up to read stories before bedtime. In my dreams, I thought my parenting style would foster kind, empathetic, and peaceful children — with me, of course, forging the path ahead as their loving yet reasonably assertive guide. How could my vision not happen? It seemed easy enough, right?

But of course, reality pelted my expectations with a rotating supply of dirty diapers, unhappy kids, and soiled bibs. As my vision became a long-lost dream, my patience began to dwindle, leaving me irritable and moody. Day-to-day power struggles left me feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and utterly drained. I couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t achieve the harmonious family life I’d imagined. It seemed so doable. Where did I go wrong?

As I look back on those early years (and the stages after), parenting was incredibly tough. I went through (and sometimes still go through) emotions of irritability, frustration, disappointment, or guilt marked by yelling, overreacting, criticizing, withdrawing, or crying. I was desperate to find new ways to understand and connect with my children, ways that would somehow make parenting easier.

But my baby gate moment was a much-needed wake-up call to a different journey toward self-awareness as a parent, one informed by my main Enneagram type. Despite my many ongoing mistakes, I committed to learning from them, growing as a person, and developing stronger relationships with my kids based on more than just the primary ways I see and interact with the world. How did I find this path? I didn’t. God’s love was the path that found me. It led me to begin focusing on self-awareness, compassionate communication, and grace-filled conflict resolution.

In the all-too-common parental drive to shape or “fix” our kids, moms, like me, often overlook the real issue we are facing: we have not yet learned to recognize and regulate our own inner worlds.

We don’t understand our own personality type and its unique core motivations, which also means we have not yet unpacked or become familiar with our own internal story.

That’s why, contrary to what we feel, the single most important variable in the parenting journey is not nailing down all that is wrong or needs to be adjusted with our kids. Rather, it is learning to make sense of our own internal worlds. In other words, 

a mom’s capacity to be aware of her child’s developing mind and emotions is directly and deeply related to whether she herself has first addressed her own developmental story.

Whether we know it or not, these issues of self-awareness and self-understanding are already affecting the ways we are showing up in our kids’ lives. In fact, they are much more significant than the number of parenting books we read, the chore charts we create, or the well-meaning lectures we dictate to our children. If we can learn and grow in this area, it will help us become calm and steady as we show up in our kids’ lives as a humble, curious, non-anxious, connected presence. However, lacking self-awareness and never learning to know ourselves well can create unhealthy dynamics and problems for ourselves and our kids. Our issues can begin mixing with theirs, making it especially hard for our children to keep developing into their own unique selves.

• Instead of fighting against or ignoring our own stories that help make sense of the ways our internal worlds are naturally organized, we can embrace them and begin parenting as our truest selves.

By doing so, we enrich our family tree with healthy branches of individuality and authenticity.

Embracing our true selves allows us to provide a nurturing environment where our children feel empowered to explore their own story. This approach keeps us from trying to make our kids little versions of us, allowing them to freely become the unique people God created them to be. Awareness is where we must begin.

Adapted with permission from The Enneagram for Moms by Beth McCord, copyright Beth McCord.

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Your Turn

The next time you experience a “hurdle the baby gate” moment, consider how your own developmental story might be influencing the parenting story unfolding around you. From a place of self-awareness, how can you instead choose healing and growth for yourself and your family? ~ Devotionals Daily