Control + Alt + Delete: Time for a Marital Reboot?

For He Himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility. — Ephesians 2:14 ESV

Are you tired of hearing “I am sorry” with no change in behavior?

Those three powerful words that can breathe life back into relationships — that is, until they get disconnected from the actions we think should follow them. “I’m sorry” quickly loses its power when we start hearing it more than seeing it in our marriages. 

Marriage comes with many phases — and these phases can bring conflict, misunderstanding, and varying levels of intimacy and optimism. Because you’re human, things will inevitably be said or done that require forgiveness in order to move forward.

Many couples get stuck in a cycle of resentment when there is unresolved pain. What do you do when it seems your spouse has made more withdrawals than deposits in a particular area? Or when he or she has emptied the “I forgive you” reserve and the intimacy slowly cycles into contempt? This is an equation for unforgiveness to multiply in your marriage.

Is there an area where you thought you had forgiven your spouse but maybe 10 percent anger or frustration remains? Perhaps that 10 percent has overtaken the 90 percent, leading you to fixate on your spouse’s faults in a way that only repeats the cycle of unforgiveness. If so, you may need a marital reboot.

Now, you may not be a computer tech, but there’s one maneuver with which you are undoubtedly familiar: Control + Alt + Delete. Whether you’re experiencing a malfunction due to a virus or your screen just got stuck, this function is the key to rebooting the system. By pressing Control + Alt + Delete, you force the computer to turn off and reboot to its original operating state. Likewise, this process in a relationship puts action to our forgiveness.

Let’s take a closer look at each aspect of the reboot:

Control: We let go of control and release any resentment. 

Resentment kills love in relationships.

Maybe the virus of bitterness has been released in your marriage, and you need a reset. Could it be that unforgiveness toward a betrayal, infidelity, or any breach of trust has released a virus so painful that you have detached emotionally from your spouse as a survival mechanism? Love requires us to let go of control.

Alt: Take an alternative route. Reframe the way you see your spouse. Maybe if we take the approach of “I can motivate my spouse by saying ____; I can encourage them by doing ____,” that will give them the fuel they need as they work for change. Go toward your spouse when you want to run the other direction. Go toward the pain you may feel, because on the other side is intimacy.

Delete: Press the reset button and wipe the slate clean. The first step is to acknowledge where you are still holding resentment. Get out of the cycle and begin to believe the best about your spouse.

There’s an old adage “Time heals all wounds.” We disagree. We’ve known plenty of people who held on to bitterness until their dying day. The truth is that hurts must be processed, and emotions must be acknowledged and felt before healing can begin. There must be action behind our words.

• Forgiveness is given, but trust is earned.

So believe the best and encourage your spouse to keep doing the next right thing. Progress over perfection is the name of the game.

Where does this power to forgive originate? Romans 5:8 says, 

God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

We were forgiven when we didn’t deserve it. We were forgiven when our behaviors had not changed yet, and we continue to be forgiven. 

In light of this, you can commit in every season to not judging, not condemning, and not shaming your spouse when he or she makes mistakes. Delete the files of resentment and shame. 

At the end of the day, the equation for marriage is a story — the oldest story ever told. God made man and then created a “perfectly suited partner,” Eve, because it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. God also set up boundaries: Adam and Eve could be perfectly free — naked and fully enjoying one another — as long as they respected the boundaries. But they violated them, and things became complicated. Sin entered the picture, and distance grew between them and their Creator.

Now, you might think that after enough of mankind’s disobeying and rejecting God that He would walk away, right? Instead, God does the unthinkable. He forgives. Not once, not twice, not even a hundred times, but to the point that He visited His creation in the flesh. God took on the very shame He despised — the shame that was our fault alone. He took on the burden of our sin and mistakes to the point of death. And, in doing so, 

God broke the cycle.

That distance, that shame, that cycle of resentment can be broken only by the power of forgiveness. Christ’s forgiveness reconciles us. This is the answer for two becoming one. It might seem impossible, even illogical, but two become one when they embrace forgiveness.

God demonstrates what true unity requires, and it’s not compatibility. It’s not that two people “complete” each other. It’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. It’s about two broken, imperfect people, full of flaws and failures, who choose to forgive one another; who reconcile by choosing to forgive. Just as love has the power to turn pain into a gift, forgiveness has the power to reconcile what otherwise would have remained lost.

Forgiveness isn’t just about longevity; it’s about legacy. A love full of forgiveness lasts forever. A marriage made “one”: one of love, laughter, and longevity. 

Lord Jesus, thank You for suffering, dying, and rising to set me free from the power and penalty of sin. Please help me, by Your grace, to apply that same forgiveness to my spouse and to others as well. Amen.

Adapted with permission from Two Equals One by Jimmy Rollins and Irene Rollins, copyright Jimmy Rollins and Irene Rollins. 

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Your Turn

Is it time for a reboot in your marriage? Time alone doesn’t heal wounds. That takes releasing resentment, trying an alternative, pressing the reset button, and forgiving. Is your love full of forgiveness? ~ Devotionals Daily