Editor’s note: Toni Collier’s new book Don’t Try This Alone is for everyone who is hiding from pain instead of confronting it in order to be healed in truly fulfilling community. We were meant to do life together and that requires risk and openness… but it’s worth it! Enjoy this excerpt.
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I think about how Psalm 34:18 promises that
the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I don’t know about you, but I want closeness when I am hurting. The problem is there’s something that threatens that closeness: avoidance. Avoiding the awkwardness of telling someone you’re hurting or embarrassed or feeling betrayed is a sure way to not heal from your hurt, embarrassment, and betrayal. So how do we do this well? Let’s get practical!
1. Surround yourself with people who won’t let you hide.
This is a hard one because the easy choice is to have friends who won’t come after you. Friends who may see you’re in pain but aren’t emotionally savvy enough to do something about it. I remember when I first met friends who came after me. They would call on days I didn’t feel like talking. Ask questions that I didn’t want to answer and challenge me to talk about my pain anyway. It was annoying at first, if I’m honest. I was so used to stuffing my pain and just “dealing with it” the way I was taught growing up. Emotions were excuses to my nine-year-old heart. And excuses make you weak. But then I realized that true bravery costs you something. It costs you picking up the phone when you don’t feel like it. It costs you talking about the thing that you didn’t want to have to explain and relive, pressing in when the only thing you want to do is tap out. That’s real bravery and strength — not weakness. It’s far from weakness.
Get around people who won’t let you hide. Talk openly.
Tell them that is what you want, even when you don’t want it. And tell them when you’re not in pain or crisis. Be on the offense, not the defense, when it comes to your healing. Text or say something like, “Hey, I usually make a beeline to hiding when I am hurting or in pain. Can you make sure I don’t hide? Can you call me even when you think it’ll annoy me? Can you come for me?” That being said, when you’re in crisis mode and can feel yourself wanting to hide, that, too, may be the moment to text a friend.
I found myself wanting to hide on my first Father’s Day as a single mom. I wanted to curl up in a ball in my bed and never leave my house again. I told three friends via text, “I’m taking a nap, but I really don’t ever want to get up and face life again. I’m just telling you for accountability.” This was my white flag, my SOS. It is how I refused to hide.
2. Choose to be accountable to someone.
It’s not enough to not hide; it also matters what we’re doing when we hide. For me, it’s alcohol. When I am in pain, I want to numb that pain so that I can show up and perform. That’s my default, and it’s not the healthy option. Hide it, numb it, and it will crush you. Honestly, I’ve seen what it looks like to choose this option one too many times in my life. But no more. As soon as I feel the urge to drink in an attempt to numb my pain, I phone a friend. Debra has been that friend in this season. She’s been the one who is direct and honest with me, who pulls no punches, and who points me to Jesus. She’s incredible. You need a Debra in your life.
Another reason we have to choose accountability is that we naturally drift toward chaos.
- Accountability is an act of radical humility.
Humility says, “I am broken and imperfect and living under the curse of sin.” Humility recognizes that we are flawed even when we’re not in pain. So just imagine what we’re susceptible to when we’re in real pain!
Get your accountability in place before you face the pains that naturally come with life. Prepare yourself for chaos so that you can live in peace and protection when it comes. But it will require humility and acceptance of your imperfections. And it’ll be the best choice you can make right now for later on.
3. Look for the light.
Look for the good and the hope that is undoubtedly around you. While we need to expect pain in our lives, we should also know that we don’t have to stay in the valleys. A beautiful way to stop hiding is to switch your perspective from “Darkness is here, and it will consume me” to “There’s always light to be found. Where is it?” Where is the light? Is it a mani-pedi day with your friends? Is it a massage? Is it playing at the park with your children? Is it found in your journal where you can process your emotions? Is it in a cozy bubble bath? What brings you back to mountains of hope after valleys of despair? What gets you out of bed after days of staying in it without a shower in sight? So many of us are still stuck in darkness. Whether we don’t know that there’s light to be found, or we’re too weary to look for it, or we’ve hit a point of hopelessness, we don’t have to stay stuck. Sometimes all we need is a friend to use their free ticket to invite us to a conference with some crazy women who love Jesus but are honest enough to tell the hard parts of their stories to remind us that hope is on the way. Friend, it’s coming.
- The light is coming for you. Make sure you’re keeping watch.
4. Expect to be found.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that we don’t want to be found, it’s that we don’t think we’re worthy enough to be found. Thoughts like Who really cares about me? Is anyone coming? are so real. This may be your reality right now. Maybe you haven’t been able to build a community, and you don’t have anyone reaching out to you when you want to hide from your pain. This isn’t easy for everyone. I want to encourage you to start with your own heart. Start with your own beliefs about yourself. Do you believe right now that you’re worthy to be found? To be pursued? To be loved and seen — and not just in a romantic way? Do you think you’re a burden?
Maybe someone told you that when you were just a little girl. Maybe you were the oldest and you had to carry everyone else’s burdens, and no one carried yours. Maybe you’ve felt like this your whole life, or maybe you just started. Listen to me, please. You were made worthy to be found. From the moment you cried and air filled your lungs, you were made worthy to be deeply seen and pursued.
Your heavenly Father designed and created you to be chosen and taken in. If you don’t have people who can affirm that for you, it’s time for you to claim it over yourself.
Can we practice? Can you repeat this out loud if you’re able? “I am worthy to be found. I am worthy to be found. I am worthy to be found.”
Can we also say this? “I was created to be chosen. I was created to be chosen. I was created to be chosen.” That’s right, you were. Without a doubt. Believe that over yourself today.
I think I can remember the very first time I actually wanted to be found. My mom and I were shopping in Walmart, and I decided it would be funny to play a game of hide-and-seek with her, unbeknownst to her. As she was shopping in the clothes section, I slowly crept into one of the circular clothing racks. I sat cross-legged right in the middle, so proud of myself and wondering when my mom would come find me. It grew really quiet, and I got a little nervous, but I couldn’t blow my cover.
A few seconds passed that felt like hours. Butterflies were forming in my stomach. Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. My seven-year-old heart was afraid, and I wanted to be found. I popped out of the clothing rack, but I didn’t see my mom. I started frantically looking for her, calling, “Mom! Mom! Where are you?”
As the tears welled up in my eyes, I realized I was alone and lost. I didn’t know where my mom was. I really wanted to be found. And then I heard her yelling, “Nae! Nae! Where are you? It’s Mom. Nae! Where are you?” I could hear the despair and worry in her voice.
I desperately wanted to be found. She desperately wanted to find me. I didn’t want to hide anymore. The only place I wanted to hide was in her arms. And then I saw her. I ran up to her, tripping over my feet on the way. “Mom!” I screamed. She was so afraid that she had lost me. I was so afraid that I had lost her.
The best feeling in the world was going from wanting to hide to being found.
Even in this past year, when I desperately wanted to hide my pain from the world; when I was so tired of seeing my name in articles and Google searches; when I wanted to take my children to another country and start over; when I didn’t want people to see me so fragile and broken and weak, I refused to hide. Because I know that the God of the universe created me to be chosen and found. And He created you that way too.
Excerpted with permission from Don’t Try This Alone by Toni Collier, copyright Toni J. Collier.
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Your Turn
Are you ready to get around people who won’t let you hide? Jesus is with you and He will bring the light back into your circumstances. You are His beloved! So, be willing to risk for community and healing. ~ Devotionals Daily