Rips and Repairs

Editor’s note: Lysa TerKeurst is a trusted voice because she’s continued to choose Jesus, faithfulness, and openness throughout her ministry. Her new book is no exception. I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t is a welcome companion for those of us who need healing from past betrayals and want to honor Jesus in the way we move forward. Enjoy this excerpt.

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Isn’t it odd that out of the millions of moments we’ll experience in a lifetime, most of them will pass without us being able to recall them? These moments become a collective swirl of general memories without a lot of detail. For example, without looking at your phone, what were you doing exactly five months ago today at 2:00 p.m.? What were you wearing? Who were you with? What did you have on your to-do list that day? What made you laugh? What made you cry? What were you stressed about? What did you celebrate? What were you hoping you’d accomplish that day? What prayers did you pray? If it was a normal day, chances are we don’t remember.

Doing the math, in my fifty-four years of living, I’ve experienced over twenty-eight million minutes. My calculator freaked out a bit when I tried to multiply that number by sixty to see how many seconds that equates to. Regardless, it’s a lot of moments with countless details that don’t register in my memory.

But there are some moments that will stay with me forever. I can recall them with such precision that it’s like I’m watching a movie inside my brain. I can tell you the smallest of details without missing a beat. I can feel what I was feeling, especially when the memory is around the unexpected heartbreak of a relationship not being what you once thought it was. And though a lot of healing has happened, I sometimes still find myself a bit stunned by broken trust.

It hurts in ways our hearts weren’t designed to hurt. We were made to come together with others, not to be torn apart by others.

Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.

I read once that the more intense the emotion is at the time a memory is made, the more likely we are to remember it. That’s been so true for me.

One of those moments I think I’ll carry forever was the night I knew my marriage was over. I stared at the ceiling, desperate to wake up from this never-ending nightmare. But there would be no waking up from this. There would only be a long road of wading through the debris. Trust had been so severely broken over and over. Even the repair work we’d done now felt futile in light of how everything was turning out.

The wear and tear on all those people who were part of this painful journey had taken its toll. Not only was I losing my marriage, but so many other relationships would also change forever. Even some friendships I thought would stand the test of time had all but disintegrated. Couple friends are complicated when you’re no longer a couple. People pick sides. And when they don’t know the whole story, you’re desperate to tell them. But that’s not always possible. People have their reasons and their own issues. People shock you.

Tears leaked from my eyes, but I had no energy to sob like I’d done so many times before. It was like my eyes were purging the last tiny bits of hope I had for this to be turned around. Quietly, one after another, they fell until they stopped.

And then I had the weirdest sensation that this was the moment of transition between the life I’d fought so desperately to keep and the life I would step into where everything was different. I whispered the only prayer I could:

“Jesus, I love You, and You love me. That’s all I’ve got.”

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that though the trust in this relationship could not be repaired, other relationships where the trust had been broken would be. Some friends would come back. Family members would too. My kids and I would find our way through the grief of loss. And there would come a day when we would start building a new collection of memorable moments. Good ones we didn’t see coming. Indeed, time didn’t get stuck in that season of heartbreak. If there is one thing that’s true about life after loss, it’s that it goes on.

And as time goes on, some relationships will go on with us and some will not.

Some will not, because they walked away.
Some will not, because we made a wise choice to let go.
Some will fade away. As seasons of life change, so do some relationships.
Some will stay as strong as always.
Some will be more complicated and uncertain, because trust has been broken.

But perhaps instead of going away, they’ll stay. And you’ll stay. And now the hard work of repair must begin.

But before we dive into ways to repair trust, let’s put some thought into what trust is and how it serves our relationships.

I think the phrase “the ties that bind us” is an accurate picture of human relationships.

Trust is made up of incredibly intricate but invisible emotional threads of connection between two people. These threads hold them together. 

They bring a sense of balance and stability to the relationship. The more the two people honor these threads of trust, the stronger they get. Though neither person can see the threads of trust with their eyes, they feel the strength of their connection in their hearts. The stronger the connection, the more assured both people are in the quality of the relationship.

It feels so fulfilling to be confident you can count on key people you love. I think it’s one of the greatest feelings of safety to know that, even if everything else in the world falls apart, you still have a few people who will be right there with you.

But here’s the thing no one ever told me. Those few people, that sacred little circle of human connection you think will never change, might not be the same people all the way through life. “Besties for the resties” sounds really good on an Instagram post, but real life doesn’t always turn out that way. Promises are sometimes broken. People move away, fade away, pass away, walk away, and turn away. Sometimes there’s broken trust. Other times there’s just a slow erosion of connection, which diminishes trust. There are also sudden disruptions of trust where they say something you can’t unhear, reveal something you can’t unknow, or choose something you can’t go along with. Or sometimes they withhold information from you, and instead of you being the first to know, you’re one of the last.

And certainly, there are times when you and I have broken other people’s trust. Sometimes we know it. And sometimes we aren’t sure what we did. It’s good for us to humbly seek clarity. And if there is repair work to be done, and the other person is willing, prayerfully consider what you can do. Let’s acknowledge our own imperfections and agree to reread this chapter when we need to make things right with another person.

But for today, let’s read this in light of the ways others have broken our trust. Repairing broken trust requires us to first establish what we need from another person in order to consider them trustworthy. As you read my list, feel free to change it in any way you want, to make it true to what your heart needs to feel safe and secure.

My personal definition of healthy trust with another person means I can count on them...

• to be who they say they are;
• to do what they say they are going to do;
• to show up with care and compassion;
• to tell the truth; and
• to use good judgment and biblical wisdom with their decisions.

As I did research by asking others about trust, I found people are unique with their thoughts on what is necessary for someone to be trustworthy in their eyes. Some of the needs are similar to mine but use different wording or are more specific. See if any of these resonate more deeply and need to be on your list of what speaks trustworthiness to you:

• They are authentic.
• They never say, “I probably shouldn’t share this, but...”
• They show consistency in how they treat you.
• They aren’t moody, unpredictable, or prone to angry outbursts.
• They are resourceful.
• You can count on them to be there for you.
• They have longevity in their other relationships.
• They have a good reputation.
• They are loyal.
• They treat all people fairly.
• They are humble enough to admit they are sometimes wrong.
• They are willing to be held accountable.
• They don’t dance around issues but instead are straightforward.
• They are available.
• They are cooperative.
• They don’t cut corners or cheat.
• They respect other people’s property.
• They respect your time.

Good relationships are precious. And just because trust has been broken doesn’t mean the relationship is no longer good. Sometimes trust can be diminished even in solid relationships because of missteps like one person not being responsible, not keeping their word, or not showing up with care and compassion like they should have. For me, the biggest determining factor as to whether I’m still safe with a person is how they react to my concerns. I feel more hopeful if they listen without animosity and seek to understand what I need.

My counselor says, “For every rip there needs to be a repair.” I really like this advice. If we can address the rips as they happen, it will help us better manage our concerns before they turn into full-blown ruptures.

Excerpted with permission from I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.

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Your Turn

Sometimes, all we can say is “Jesus, I love You, and You love me. That’s all I’ve got.” That’s a great place to start when walking into healing from broken trust and relationship destruction. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” God will guide us and love us through either repairing the rips and tears or walking away from something that can’t be fixed because of the other party’s choices. Hang onto Him! ~ Devotionals Daily