Excessive caring and constant comparing leads to capitulating to negative thoughts and critical self-talk. We’ve created a neural pathway for the way we think of ourselves. Maybe the insecure thoughts we have about ourselves are stuck on repeat:
- I’m not enough.
- I can’t do this.
- I don’t have what it takes.
- I don’t have the energy.
- My experience is insufficient.
- I am too sinful.
- Everyone else is more attractive than me. I never know what to say.
- My background is too messy.
- I don’t have enough self-discipline.
It may sound different in your mind, but the underlying message is the same: You’re inadequate, unworthy, or incapable. You may be plagued by thoughts like, I don’t really know what I’m doing. My kids would be better off with a different parent. No one appreciates me. Someday everyone’s going to realize I’m not who they think I am. No matter how hard I try, I won’t be good enough.
These thoughts don’t exist in isolation. They form a self-reinforcing loop that can dominate every aspect of our lives. Once we’re in this pattern of thinking, here’s how this insecurity loop typically plays out:
- The trigger: An event or situation challenges our sense of self-worth. It could be a work presentation, a parenting decision, or a simple scroll through social media.
- The insecure thought: Our go-to insecure thought springs to mind. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough.
- The emotional response: This thought triggers feelings of anxiety, shame, or inadequacy.
- The behavior: Driven by these emotions, we might withdraw, overcompensate with arrogance, mask our insecurity with anger, or avoid challenges altogether.
- The reinforcement: Our behavior often leads to outcomes that seem to confirm our initial insecure thought. If we withdraw from a challenge, for instance, it only reaffirms our insecurity.
Let’s look at how this might play out in different areas of life:
- At work: Our insecurity might whisper, I’ll never succeed or have the career I’ve dreamed about. This thought leads to anxiety, causing us to hold back in meetings or hesitate to apply for promotions. As a result, we may be passed over for opportunities, which only reinforces our belief that we’re not capable of success.
- In personal growth: When trying to break a bad habit, we might think, Why even try? I know I can’t do it. This thought breeds discouragement, leading us to give up before we’ve even started. Each failed attempt strengthens our belief in our lack of self-discipline and in our inevitable failure.
- In parenting: Every time one of our kids makes a bad decision, we feel like it’s our fault. This thought pattern can lead to either overcompensating (becoming a helicopter parent) or withdrawing emotionally. Both responses can strain our relationship with our children, thereby confirming our fears about our parenting abilities.
- On social media: As we scroll through our favorite social media platforms, we might find ourselves whispering, I’ll never be that creative. I’ll never be that fun. I’m never going to be that photogenic. I’ll never be that spiritual. These comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy, causing us to either present a false image online or withdraw from social connections. Both responses can increase feelings of isolation and inauthenticity, thus feeding back into our insecurities.
The insidious nature of this loop is that each cycle deepens the neural pathways associated with these insecure thoughts, making them more automatic and harder to challenge. Over time, this leads to a life dominated by anxious insecurity, where every experience is filtered through a lens of self-doubt and inadequacy.
Breaking this cycle requires more than just positive thinking or behavior change. It demands a fundamental rewiring of our thought patterns, replacing lies with truth and learning to see ourselves through God’s eyes rather than the distorted mirror of our insecurities.
It means building a new pattern of thought based on our true identity in Christ.
I Matter to the One Who Matters Most
Part of the difficulty with these negative thought patterns is that there’s a hint of truth in all of them. The cultural approach to the pattern of insecurity would be to fill our minds with thoughts of self-worth and self-empowerment. To look at ourselves in the mirror and try to convince ourselves that we’ve got what it takes. The biblical approach isn’t to practice positive thinking until you believe something about yourself that isn’t true.
Do you remember the Bible passage in which God calls Moses to come to a burning bush? He tells Moses He is sending him to stand in front of Pharoah, the most powerful ruler in the world, to demand the Israelites be set free from slavery in Egypt. I can only imagine the thoughts running through Moses’s mind. There he is, standing shoeless in the desert where he served as a shepherd for his father-in-law. Moses immediately feels insecure and anxious. He has a list of reasons why this is a bad idea. You can hear the insecurity in his voice when he says to God,
Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? — Exodus 3:11
God doesn’t reply, “Moses, you can do this. You’re good enough and smart enough, and people like you.” God simply says,
I will be with you. — Exodus 3:12
He directs the thoughts of Moses off of Moses and onto Himself. When Moses tells God he thinks it’s a bad idea because he’s not a good speaker, God doesn’t try to convince Moses otherwise. Instead, He gives Moses a different way to think about it. In essence, God tells Moses, “I made your tongue” (see 4:11).
I love the way the Amplified Bible renders Philippians 4:13:
I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose — I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace].
The thought pattern of insecurity is interrupted by a new thought pattern: God’s strength is sufficient, and His power available.
Excerpted with permission from Every Thought Captive by Kyle Idleman, copyright Kyle Idleman.
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Your Turn
You matter to God. Through Him, you are capable of doing everything He’s called you to do because He is with you and will never leave your side. It’s His strength that is yours to walk in! ~ Devotionals Daily