Throughout my journey of breaking free from the paralyzing snare of people pleasing — which, in a nutshell, occurs when someone else’s approval, happiness, preference, or opinion comes before anything else in your world — I have leaned most heavily on God, His Word, and prayer. Especially in darker moments when hope seems to fade and the Lord feels distant, spending time in prayer corrects my perspective and reminds me that He will be faithful to carry out His good work in me all the way to completion (Philippians 1:6).
I will often anchor my prayer time in a specific verse or passage from Scripture and invite the Holy Spirit to lead me. For example, Proverbs 29:25 tells us,
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.
When I read that verse, I might begin praying along the lines of,
God, thank You for this reminder that fear is not from You, that being afraid of man or what anyone can do to me is a snare, a trap that I don’t have to fall into. Thank You for being my strength, my sustenance, and my safety. Please help me to rest in your goodness and power. Help me to keep my eyes on you. It’s in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
As a recovering people pleaser, I think it’s especially important to bathe every step of our journey in prayer. We can pray for God’s help and guidance as we make progress, even if the steps look small. The prayer found in Psalm 119:133 is fitting in this regard:
Keep steady my steps according to Your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
One of the ways I’ve fallen into people pleasing is by what I call “trading down,” or settling for less than what God has designed and destined me to enjoy. When I realize that might be happening, I can go to prayer and ask Him to show me where I’ve traded down, missing His best in exchange for temporary comfort or out of fear of what others might think. I can also thank Him that I have the opportunity to learn and to move forward. It’s not always comfortable, but when I confess to Him where I have allowed the selfish motives of people pleasing to keep me from loving others well, He doesn’t condemn or shame me. He is a God of mercy, of grace, and He delights when His children come to Him.
In my prayer life, as in all aspects of my walk with Jesus, I’ve got a long way to go. And by God’s grace, I’ve come a long way. Yet because of my legalistic religious background, I can too easily slip into condemning myself because I didn’t read my Bible this morning or I didn’t pray long enough or I got distracted during a sermon. And my whole relationship with Jesus comes crashing in. I start condemning myself in my mind.
I share that to encourage you that God isn’t keeping a score where He’s marking you down if you miss a day of prayer or reading. He is for you. He loves you. He wants to hear from you and for you to hear from Him. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)!
In a similar vein, people pleasing can tempt us to become pretenders, putting on a show to look good, and this can be true of our prayer life as well. Jesus warned,
Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and... for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation. — Luke 20:46–47
In this level of pretending, people use spiritual environments and communities for their own benefit. This seems especially atrocious to Jesus, because it takes advantage of other people, all for the sake of keeping up appearances. What he wants for us is a prayer life that is authentic, relational, and rooted in grace rather than pretension.
Every day that I walk away from people pleasing, I’m finding my voice.
Your voice is also important — praying in faith, taking a stand when it counts, speaking up for what is right. It’s my prayer that you and I can learn to reject the whispers of our people pleasing, finding the courage and the words to make a difference when and where it matters most. Here’s a prayer for us as we learn to use our voices for what is right:
God, I want to stand for those who need help. I want to be unafraid to face conflict when it is necessary. Please give me the wisdom I need to overcome unhealthy people-pleasing motives, when I stay silent because I don’t want to risk someone’s judgment or opinion. Teach me how to speak the truth in love. Teach me to speak with kindness but also with righteousness. In the name of Jesus, amen.
Yet another aspect of finding freedom from people pleasing is learning to relate to others in healthy, life-giving, mutually beneficial ways. Here’s a prayer for us as we enter a fresh season of loving and serving others well and from the right heart:
God, You show me over and over in Your Word that I will have joy and satisfaction when I love others well, when I bless others with no thought of what I’m getting in return. Help me serve from that place. Give me supernatural joy. Guide me in what You would have me do. In my serving, let me also honor my family and work, children and spouse well. Thank You for the incredible privilege to be part of a community in which I bless others, others bless me, and together, we fulfill Your design. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Of course, my primary prayer for you is that, if you don’t yet know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you would put your trust in Him and find the freedom and joy only He can give. Pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for your sin and to rescue you from it. Confess your sins to Him. Put your faith in Jesus to save you. And find the beautiful peace and rest that He promises.
And then it is my prayer that you will continue to grow in your relationships with Him and with others. I truly believe that the only way we find healing and wholeness when we’ve had the bondage of unhealthy people pleasing in our lives is through the grace of God, by bringing our lives to Him and letting Him guide us into a better way of living.
Friend, I’m filled with so much hope for you. I pray that you walk closer and closer with Jesus; that you find a healthy, Bible-based church, if you aren’t already part of one; that you land in a caring community of people where you can love and serve.
Most of all, I pray you walk in ever-increasing freedom and peace.
Watch the Video
Written for Devotionals Daily by Jinger Duggar Vuolo, author of People Pleaser.
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Your Turn
Are you a people-pleaser? Or a recovering people-pleaser? We don’t need to “trade down”! You can find your voice in Jesus Christ and follow His direction instead of anyone else’s. Growing in relationship with Him and walking daily with Him is our first and foremost call. In Him, we can live rightly and righteously. ~ Devotionals Daily