Two Becoming One
To keep a vow means not to keep from breaking it, but rather to devote the rest of one’s life to discovering what the vow means, and to be willing to change and to grow accordingly. ~ Mike Mason
Marriage is full of both hardships and wonders. It is a force for good that God created to stand the test of time. But it’s not without struggle. In fact, Jesus said plainly,
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. — John 16:33
For starters,
marriage is a challenge because it’s a union between two people with different backgrounds, families of origin, preferences, traditions, and value systems.
And these two people have different ways of connecting, relating, and attaching. But suddenly on your wedding day, the officiant declares the biblical truth that you are now one (Mark 10:8).
Does this sound like the best scenario for an easy union?
So how are you doing? Are you burned out because you’ve put in the effort but haven’t seen results? Are you checking all the boxes, fulfilling responsibilities while parenting the kids, but the enthusiasm and enjoyment you always dreamed for your marriage are slipping through the cracks? Are you exhausted, at your wit’s end, unsure if anything will ever change? Are you beginning to believe the worst about each other, playing out a vision of the coming years filled with misery? We understand. The one you love doesn’t seem to get you anymore. You’re losing heart and running out of gas, not sure if you can keep trying.
We’ve been there. And praise God, we found our way to the other side. But we didn’t do it alone. We opened ourselves up to friends we could trust — friends who stuck closer than a brother or sister. These friends were willing to get in our faces and tell us what we needed to hear. They reminded us of who we were, of the covenants we had made, of the power and potential of our marriage. It made all the difference.
Couples Who Will Tell You the Truth
One summer, God prompted Gabe with the phrase To go forward, you need to go back. He shared this with me and then proposed an action. “What if we take a road trip to see some of our dearest friends? They may be able to help.”
After arranging for a couple to stay with our three children, we jumped in the car and headed to North Carolina. Jason has been one of Gabe’s dearest friends since our college years. He is trust- worthy, a truth-teller, and someone who knows both of us well. After all, he watched our relationship begin in college and stood with us in our wedding. Our families reconnect almost every year, and earlier that summer, he issued an open invitation for us to come stay with his family for a few days. I’ve always loved his wife, Tori, and found them both to be kind, genuine, and honest. This invitation to get away from the daily grind, parenting responsibilities (especially during the summer!), and the chronic stress that accompanies care for special-needs children felt providential.
We settled in and made our way out to their backyard pool to catch up. Jason began to probe, quickly discerning that Gabe and I were stressed. Jason and Tori listened as we recounted all the different burdens, activities, and commitments we were involved in. As the words tumbled out of our mouths, it became even more obvious just how busy, strained, and crazy our life had become. Between the travel, speaking, leading, and writing — not to mention the sleepless nights, health concerns, and deep emotional moments we were guiding our teens through — we had been burning the candle at both ends and were running out of wax.
Jason and Tori were true friends, and we allowed them in, giving them permission to wake us up and shake us up. We had asked for it, and they brought it.
“It sounds like you guys are drifting apart,” Jason said. He let the words sink in, then continued. “We’re concerned you will continue to divide, not out of infidelity or betrayal, but because you said yes to too many good things. Each yes can create a wedge and drive you apart.” It was like déjà vu, echoing something our counselor had said one year earlier. (I guess we’re slow learners.) Sobered by their words, we knew they were right. In our pursuit of doing all the “right things,” we were missing the most important thing — us.
After several conversations and the replenishment of good food and laughter, we were about to head home when they made one parting suggestion. “What if you tried to do something together? Instead of each pursuing your own callings and drifting further apart, what if you ask God to help you build something jointly?”
We’d been “together” all these years, but had we ever really asked the question, What might God have for us to do together, as one? Could new math make sense? Could one plus one equal a thousand? Maybe.
We knew we couldn’t ignore their warning. Driving home, we made a decision. I was preparing to launch a podcast — Rhythms for Life, a companion podcast to my book Rhythms of Renewal — but instead of doing it alone, the thought occurred to me, Maybe Gabe could cohost. Gabe was already going to interview me for the first episode to get the season rolling. But what if he stayed on throughout the podcast?
That day, we went all in together. It was risky. We are both strong communicators who have our own way of doing things. Would our styles fit together?
Days later, we recorded our first episode, and my first thought was, This was a mistake. We stumbled and talked over each other. We played our verbal dysfunctional dance for listeners to stream. Afterward, when we wrapped and edited the first show, we knew it didn’t work. At all. So we prayed and decided to rerecord. The second session — after recognizing our mistakes and taking it to Jesus — was seamless. Beautiful. As if the Lord were saying, This is an example of what I’ve had for you all along.
Yes, Gabe had a unique burden for renewing culture, and God equipped me with a passion for mental health. But in addition to those things, we discovered a unified call, a place where our passions overlapped. We could talk about the ways faith and mental health impact people — their marriages, their jobs, their parenting — and through all those things, how it impacts culture. We still had our individual callings, but now we also had the joy of a joint calling.
- If we hadn’t been so busy chasing our own things, if we had stopped and asked what unique mission God had for us, we might have seen it sooner.
We continued creating Rhythms for Life together and built a community around the podcast. That community led to events — marriage retreats, emotional health intensives, and invitations to speak together. In fact, you are reading this book because of the decision we made to live out a mutual marriage and ask God to bless and multiply our meager offering. The result? Today, we are experiencing the joy of celebrating each other’s gifts, not just individually, but as one. And all of this happened because two friends dared to speak the truth to us.
Excerpted with permission from The Fight for Us by Rebekah Lyons and Gabe Lyons, copyright Rebekah Lyons and Gabe Lyons.
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Your Turn
Do you let trusted, godly friends speak into your marriage? The truth is that you can’t be successful alone. We were built to need each other and that goes for marriage, too! Who can you let speak into your most important human relationship? ~ Devotionals Daily