You Can Love Them, But You Can’t Change Them

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. — Hebrews 4:16

MORNING

Relationships are wonderful... until they’re not.

All relationships can be difficult at times, but they should not be destructive to our well-being. If you have relationships in your life where you know something is wrong, but you can’t for the life of you figure out what to do, I understand. I know what it feels like to have your body tense and your pulse quicken while your mind is begging the other person, Stop doing this!

Most of us aren’t equipped to know what to do when we know things need to change but the other person isn’t willing to or capable of cooperating with the needed changes. Your challenge may be with

• someone who personalizes everything and is prone to being offended, so you can’t figure out how to address something this person repeatedly does that is not acceptable to you. You know you need a boundary, but you don’t know how to communicate this need.
• a person in authority over you, and boundaries don’t feel like they would work.
• a family member who lives in your home, and though you need some distance, setting a boundary doesn’t feel realistic.

You’ve prayed about this behavior or situation. You’ve tried to navigate it. You’ve made changes. You may have even tried to stop it. You’ve listened to wise advice and done everything you know to do. But in the end, nothing has worked.

You’ve finally realized if they don’t want things to change, you cannot change them. This is a terribly hard truth to accept, but it’s one of the most freeing truths I’ve learned to embrace.

The only other option is secretly wondering if you are the crazy one. Friend, you may be brokenhearted. You may be sad. You may be afraid and possibly angry. You may be focused on trying to fix what isn’t within your ability to fix. And you may even be fixated on trying to figure everything out.

But you are not crazy. If you are smelling smoke, there is fire. And the only reasonable option at this point is either to put out the fire or get yourself away from the fire. Drawing boundaries can help put out fires before they become all-consuming. But if the fire keeps burning with increasing intensity, you’ve got to get away from the smoke and flames. Sometimes your only option may be to distance yourself from this person and say goodbye.

Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But boundaries will help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and whole.

I don’t know what boundaries you may need to consider; I challenge you to process this situation with the Lord and prayerfully think through what changes may be necessary alongside a trusted Christian counselor or wise friend. Maybe for today, it’s just enough to sit and think through the truth that the only sustainable change you have control over is making a sustainable change for yourself.

I know this isn’t easy, but it is good.

A statement to remember as I walk into today:

Boundaries will help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and whole.

EVENING

Even though we may be powerless to change someone else, this doesn’t mean we’re powerless to experience change in our own lives. Boundaries give us this gift.

Now that you’ve had some time to process the truth we talked about this morning, I want us to close our day considering some questions that could help us implement some necessary boundaries in our lives:

• What events or conversations have occurred that make you feel as if it’s not acceptable to put relational parameters in place in this relationship?
• Are there certain behaviors this person exhibits that makes setting boundaries with him or her seem unrealistic or impossible?
• What good might be possible in this relationship if you set boundaries?
• What is and is not acceptable behavior?
• What are your deal breakers that would pull you from a place of health into unhealth?
• What are you actually responsible for? What are you not responsible for? (Example: “I am responsible for showing up to my job on time.” “I am not responsible for my coworker’s harsh reaction or response in a conversation.”)
• What are some of the qualities you like about yourself that you want to make sure the people you love experience when they spend time with you? How can boundaries help make your best qualities more and more apparent?

Remember, friend, if someone is unwilling or unable to stop misusing the personal access we’ve given them in our lives, then we must create healthy boundaries.

SOMETHING TO RELEASE BACK TO GOD FROM TODAY:

(Write down your “something to release” in your journal.)

A PRAYER TO RECEIVE BEFORE TOMORROW:

Lord, it’s a humbling truth to realize I can’t change another person; I can only change myself. As I process these questions and consider where setting healthy boundaries may be necessary, give me discernment, wisdom, and courage. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Excerpted with permission from You’re Going to Make It by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.

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Your Turn

You’re not crazy. It might be very painful to realize that you can’t do anything about someone else’s choices and behavior because you want so badly for the relationship to work. Pray today for the self-control and strength to keep healthy boundaries. Come share your thoughts with us. We want to hear from you. ~ Devotionals Daily