Editor’s note: Yesterday, we shared a devotion written by Jinger Duggar Vuolo. You can read it here and then enjoy this excerpt of her new book People Pleaser.
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I spent many years thinking that having any kind of conflict or argument was not part of a Christian lifestyle. Neither was being angry. Or risking someone getting their feelings hurt.
The combination of both my upbringing and my personality has long made me feel like being in any kind of disagreement with someone meant that I was at risk of losing their approval, their friendship, or their love.
I can see now that it’s caused me to view relationships through a unique filter. To my people-pleasing mind, relationships are radically fragile. This belief in the fragility of relationships has kept me scrambling over the years to tiptoe and whisper, lest I set off a shockwave that could send a relationship crashing to the floor.
So sold was I on this idea that I really struggled to speak up on basic stuff in my marriage. Jeremy would ask my opinion on something, and my mind would race, not wanting to say anything he might disagree with. To my mind, if I said something different from what he might think, I could jeopardize the closeness of our relationship. Over the years, Jeremy has assured me again and again that he wants to know what’s going on inside my head. He wants to hear my thoughts, not just a regurgitation of what I think he wants to hear.
- Our people-pleasing “techniques” have at their core our individual strategies for getting our needs met. We please because we have the dual motives to receive approval and to keep our anxieties at bay.
There’s nothing like an argument to completely upend the carefully constructed peace a people pleaser seeks. Arguing is the complete opposite of the people pleaser’s approach to life. It’s an all-out assault on our deepest sense of need, which is belonging and acceptance. Our God-given and good need for community can feel like it’s getting completely hijacked in a situation where we don’t feel aligned with those around us. But does being in community actually mean that we can’t ever have conflict?
Should we be thoughtful and kind in our relationships? Yes. Should we intentionally push relationships to the brink by being argumentative over everything? No. But are there going to be times we’re going to disagree about something and have to live in that tension?
Absolutely.
When I look at Scripture, I see Jesus having lots of uncomfortable conversations.
He’s not cruel. He doesn’t go looking for a fight. But He’s clear and straightforward in situations. He deals with things head-on. When I look at Jesus’ interactions in the four books of the Gospels in the New Testament, it makes me rethink how I’ve looked at disagreements as something to avoid at all costs.
One time, a high-achieving young man approached Jesus and asked Him how he could attain eternal life. Jesus gave him a quick recap of high points from the Ten Commandments. The young man assured Jesus that he’d kept all these commandments from childhood. But then, watch this:
Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven; and come, follow Me.” Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus looked around and said to His disciples, “How difficult it will be for those who have wealth to enter the Kingdom of God!” And the disciples were amazed at His words. — Mark 10:21–24
Wouldn’t it have been easier for Jesus to have just told him, “You’re doing great! Keep up the good work!”? But there’s a really important clue in verse 21 that I want us to look at again: “Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him . . .”
Wait. What?
Jesus loved him. And because Jesus loved him, He couldn’t let this guy go on his way without showing him the truth. The truth is that for this young man to inherit eternal life, he needed to follow Jesus. He needed to understand that no matter how well he tried to keep the commandments, it would never be enough for him to “earn” his way into Heaven. Jesus knew this young man was used to achieving his way through his efforts and hard work and wealth. But that’s not how the Kingdom of God works. The grace of Jesus does what we cannot.
- That’s love right there, to tell someone the truth, even when it might burst their bubble, even when it might not be what they want to hear, or even when it may hurt your own reputation or change people’s opinions about you.
It’s also not lost on me that this guy didn’t respond with, “Hey, thank You so much! I’m so glad You unpacked that for me! I’m going to come into agreement with everything You just said and do it!” No, the passage says that he walked off, sad and disheartened. And Jesus let him walk away, didn’t debate him down, didn’t try to force an agreement out of him. It shows me that I can’t force someone to see things my way. My responsibility is to love them enough to tell them the truth and then let them process that. At the end of the day, it’s not my job to talk them into my perspective, to present the perfect argument, or to demand that they come over to my way of thinking.
Jesus’ hard conversations in Scripture often begin with someone asking a question. Sometimes, those questions are asked as a trap. Many of the religious leaders who approached Jesus were doing so with a motive, trying to bait Jesus into either saying something they could use against Him or to expose Him. Jesus responded in a variety of ways, sometimes by telling a parable to make His point, sometimes by quoting Scripture, and sometimes by calling them out for their hypocrisy.
But Jesus also wasn’t wandering around looking for a good debate. He was truthful and consistent in His interactions. He knew when and how to take a verbal stand, and He also knew when not to engage with someone who was just looking for a fight.
The nineteenth-century preacher and theologian Charles Bridges said of Jesus,
Oh, for wisdom to govern the tongue, to discover the right time to speak and the right time to stay silent. How instructive is the pattern of our great Master! His silence and his answers were equally worthy of himself. The former always conveyed a dignified rebuke. The latter responded to the confusion of his contentious enemies. Will not a prayerful meditative study communicate to us a large measure of his divine wisdom?1
I don’t think I could have any better mentor in this area than my mother-in-law, Diana. Diana is loving, kind, generous, and gracious. And she is bold in her communications about where she stands. She is clear about who she is and where her boundaries are.
Diana was raised in an incredibly dysfunctional and abusive home. She saw things no kid should be exposed to. Her strategy as a kid to stay out of harm’s way was to keep her head down, to be agreeable and quiet, and to stay in her room as much as possible, practicing her violin for hours and hours a day.
When she finally moved out, it would have been understandable for her to have continued this practice of argument avoidance and conflict caution. It would have made sense for Diana to simply emotionally build a panic room in her adult life as a protective measure, continuing to shield herself from hard conversations or calling out unhealthy behavior. But Diana has a vibrant, solid relationship with God; and a panic room, at the end of the day, is a dead end. She really believes what the Bible says about her worth as God’s child, believing that through Jesus she can be bold and strong and free. So she is.
1. Charles Bridges, Proverbs (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2001), 234.
Excerpted with permission from People Pleaser by Jinger Duggar Vuolo, copyright Jinger Duggar Vuolo.
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Your Turn
We live in a world that’s conflict-heavy which can make recovering people-pleasers anxious and worried on every front. But, Jesus modeled for us directness with grace! He didn’t go out looking for arguments, He didn’t engage in needless squabbles, be He also spoke the truth in love. So can we! ~ Devotionals Daily