The Flirtation Experiment: Passion

~ Lisa Jacobson & Phylicia Masonheimer

I heard him walk through the front door, but I never even looked up. By the time my husband, Matt, came home that evening, I was so frustrated, so frazzled, that his coming home hardly mattered. I kept my eyes down, sautéing the vegetables as if my life depended on it. And that’s when I felt him come up behind me and slip his strong arms around my waist. I knew I should have felt cared for, but mostly what I felt was annoyed. Couldn’t he see I was trying to make dinner? Couldn’t he do something about the kids who were throwing their napkins at one another across the table? Couldn’t he do something?

I shrugged him off. Without saying a single word, I let him know that I wanted him to leave me alone. He got the message all right, and I saw his shoulders slightly drop as he stepped back. He stood silently behind me, watching as I sautéed away.

But then, out of nowhere, I had the wildest idea come into my head.

• What if... what if instead of brushing him off, I twirled around and leaned into him? I suddenly had to know.

And then, right in that crazy kitchen moment, I turned off the stove, whipped around, and pressed my body deeply into his. And stayed there for a minute or more. I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me. He stared into my eyes, wondering what in the world had gotten into me.

How could I have known that one small move like this could start a much-needed, much-desired fire? Deep down he probably wished we had more sex, and I wistfully wanted more romance. But up until now, neither of us thought to ask the other as we were both doing what we could to keep up with the basic demands of the day until there was little left for the night. So we quietly kept our disappointments to ourselves and hoped something would change when our season changed.

Let the Sparks Fly

Maybe that’s where you find yourself — waiting for a new season.

Don’t wait. Don’t put passion on the back burner with some vague idea that it will reignite itself when your circumstances are different. When I say “passion,” I don’t use it as some sort of euphemistic reference to sex (although sex typically plays a part in there somewhere). What I mean is that strong feeling of physical desire and closeness for each other — an intense longing. Song of Solomon 2:16 describes this exclusive bond of belonging to each other:

 My beloved is mine, and I am his. — ESV

• God didn’t leave passion to the world, and neither should we.

The desire we have for our husbands is a beautiful part of how God designed us as women. To desire your man is to live in harmony with who you were created to be. So, as believers, let’s not be shy about seeking passionate Song of Solomon moments in our marriages. And we don’t have to wait for our husbands to make the first move. Lean into your man. Let the sparks fly!

For many of us, when the man we vowed to love walks through the door, the furthest thing we feel is alive, warm, and sexy, right? But if we want to turn the moment around, we have to overcome self-pity, self-doubts, and self-focus and turn our attention to what is best for us both, right then. What may begin as a forced decision more than a natural impulse, can quickly grow into something magical. We can develop the mindset of Solomon’s wife who says of her husband,

His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend. — Song of Solomon 5:16 ESV

Within a few seconds of my decision to lean into my husband, I was feeling the heat as much as he must have. That act of closeness went beyond that moment. Beyond sex later that evening. He felt close to me — wanted and welcomed and, well, like a man. He also became noticeably energized and ready to dive into what was needed to help me in the situation in the kitchen. Our embrace in the kitchen that night rekindled a passion for my husband that I’d pushed down so deep that it had nearly been forgotten.

Adapted with permission from The Flirtation Experiment: Putting Magic, Mystery, and Spark into Your Everyday Marriage by Lisa Jacobson and Phylicia Masonheimer.

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Your Turn

What is one small way you could heat things up in your marriage relationship? Have you been waiting for your husband to make the first move? If that’s you, take some time to read the Song of Solomon, and you’ll find a fresh perspective on the topic. Or if you’ve been holding back because you’re waiting until you feel the longing, try making your move first and then let the feelings follow. Consider a specific way you can make passion a greater priority in your marriage.