What to Do About Broken Trust

Editor’s note: Lysa TerKeurst’s new book I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t is a powerful one that, for so many of us, will launch fresh healing from past betrayals and the skepticism of people that remained. You can read yesterday’s excerpt here and then continue reading below. 

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I want us to take a collective deep breath. We are dealing with challenging stuff and places of the heart that are tender and may need a moment to sit with what we just read. If we were together right now, I’d say, “Let’s go outside and walk for just a bit.” If tears need to fall, let them. If you are angry, say it out loud. Here’s what I would need: I’d want to look up at the sky and see it’s not falling. And I’d want us to whisper to each other, “It’s normal to have big feelings around big trust violations. You’re okay and so am I.”

Once you know the root of the distrust and how significantly this has affected you, the repair work can begin.

Okay, it’s time for another list. What I’ve included should be a guide, not a checklist. For lower-impact breaches of trust, this list of what you need from the other person can be scaled way back. Not every step will be applicable and necessary. (To help with this, I’ve put an asterisk next to the steps that may be most appropriate for you to consider with the situation you’re facing.)

For higher-impact breaches of trust, this list should help you consider a more comprehensive plan. I recommend working with a counselor or a trusted person who is specifically trained in betrayal trauma as you work through what you’re walking through. Don’t go at this alone.

Also for higher-impact breaches of trust, it’s important to have some trusted friends who will hold private the details of your experience and help you process all the ups and downs of this situation. For me, this was a deeply emotional journey. It wasn’t tidy or smooth or without major disappointments. But one thing I held firmly to was that my needs mattered. I had to make sure to weed through the un- realistic needs and expectations I sometimes brought to the table, but I was crystal clear that the other person’s willingness to fully participate in this process was crucial. If that was in place, then the other things I needed from them could be worked through.

Again, make this list of needs your own, based on the unique circumstances you have experienced and what will help bring security and trust back into your relationship.

They need to

• fully disclose what they did. Details aren’t always helpful (don’t go shopping for pain), but be honest about what you need. Disclosed information is so much better than continuously making discoveries of what else happened.
• take responsibility for what they’ve done.*
• seek to understand how this impacted you.*
• acknowledge what this cost you.
• welcome your questions and desire for clarification.
• give you space and time to grieve if you need to without making you feel guilty, annoying, or weak.
• ask for forgiveness with a truly repentant heart.*
• seek ways to make restitution.*
• establish new patterns in their life that will support them making improvements in this area.*
• stay consistent, so the new patterns become new operating systems for them and eventually become the natural way of doing things.*
• follow through on the small things.
• welcome accountability.
• practice vulnerability.
• tend to their deeper issues with a trained professional, if necessary.
• be willing to go to counseling with you with a heart ready to fully participate.
• be patient with your triggers and ask what you need for reassurance.
• realize the greater the hurt, the longer the healing will take and to be willing to give this the time and attention required.
• be willing to cocreate a new future with you. You’ll both have to accept that a repaired relationship will mean a different relationship. Sometimes that means a stronger relationship than before. And other times, different will feel more like meeting someone for the first time, even though you’ve known them for years.

Remember, this repair work is deeply personal to your unique needs, so take time to consider what will and what will not be restorative for you. Be honest with where you are throughout this process. There will be times you’ll need to pull back and take a break. There will be other times you’ll want to press in with greater intentionality. Several times throughout my process, I requested that my counselor schedule much longer sessions with me than just one hour. I especially felt this during the disclosure of what happened and how significant the betrayal actually was. I could not work through that on my own. It was crucial when I felt incredibly unsafe and broken that I had the safety net of my counselor’s presence and wisdom.

The point is, only you will know what you need and when.

Be gentle with yourself and honest with others.

I want to remind you of a wonderful gift the Lord has provided for us that will help in this process. The Lord has given us a way to better examine who to trust and what to look for when rebuilding trust. He has told us what it looks like when a person has real evidence of God’s Spirit working in them and through them. It’s the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–25 CSB).

Look for the fruit in someone’s actions, and you won’t have to wade through their words. Anyone can say what you want to hear when rebuilding trust. But the truth comes out in their actions. If their actions are in alignment with the fruit of the Spirit, then most likely Jesus is guiding them. And if Jesus is guiding them, you can trust the good work of Jesus is occurring in them.

Now, you might be asking, Can non-Christians be trustworthy?

Yes, of course. If they have a strong moral compass, then they, too, might show many of these same qualities. But for believers, looking for the fruit of someone’s actions is the best way to determine if they are serious about rebuilding that trust. This fruit will produce the believable behavior we’ve said it takes to determine if it’s safe to reestablish a heart connection with this person. 

It’s normal to be skeptical. And honestly, sometimes it is wise to be skeptical. But

skepticism fades in the light of proven truth.

How comforting it is to recognize Jesus in a person. When someone consistently produces the fruit of the Spirit over time, they become less mysterious. They will feel less risky. Their presence will feel reassuring. Their absence won’t make you afraid of what they might be doing.

Love replaces selfishness.
Joy replaces angry outbursts and edgy frustration.
Peace replaces demands for control.
Patience replaces a quick temper.
Kindness replaces rudeness.
Goodness replaces selfish ambition.
Faithfulness replaces incessant desire for self-gratification. Gentleness replaces a harsh approach.
Self-control replaces unrestrained impulses.

Instead of constantly feeling tense as you try to figure out if they are being honest with you, evidence of the Spirit will bring reassurance. Now, what about those people who say they want to rebuild trust with you but have a self-serving agenda? They say with their mouth what you want to hear, but they are still doing things that are off. Or they are still keeping hurtful secrets. They are doing some things right, but there are still a few things that make you feel uneasy. At first, because they’re better than they were when things got bad, you assume they are on the right track. But the fruit of the Spirit doesn’t get more consistently displayed. Instead, you see those reassuring qualities less and less.

I guess anyone can be an actor and put on a good show. Trust me, I’ve seen some addicts and some narcissists who deserve an Academy Award. But no show can last forever. They can’t hold their breath forever either. With people who pretend to care because it serves them in some way, their reaction to the next time you disappoint them will be very telling.

Eventually, the truth or the lack thereof comes to the surface. What’s on the inside of someone always starts to leak out. Even if they seem to be serious this time about reestablishing trust, just a little bit of dishonesty taints their intentions. Even if they tell you several truths and only one lie, deception is like drops of poison — it brings everything they said into question. You will be particularly susceptible to just a little bit of untruth causing big damage when a person is trying to rebuild trust with you.

I once went with a friend whose husband was being given a lie detector test. She and I sat in the lobby waiting for the results. My friend really wanted her husband to pass. She was happy when she found out he was telling the truth on five of the six questions he’d been asked. But then she was confused when the administrator handed her the results, which said her husband was deceptive. She asked him why it seemed the five truthful answers didn’t really count and the one question with a deceptive answer made this a failed test. He looked at her with a piercing stare and said, “Your husband is not being truthful with you. End of story.”

With this test, each question was crucial. There was no such thing as one little lie. It was the inconsistency that told the administrator everything he needed to know.

There can be grace in this process, but it shouldn’t be sloppy grace where deceptions are glossed over.

Again, trust is built through time plus believable behavior. You must have both. And when you have both, a new track record can be established. The longer someone has a consistent track record of trustworthiness, the more credible they’ll become and the more you’ll finally exhale.

Of course, no one is perfect. There will most likely be missteps in the rebuilding process. However, there really won’t be much room for deception. The truth needs to be the truth. And only you know your tolerance for inconsistencies.

• Relationships will always carry the risk of pain. Trust is always part risk and part reward.

But the more the risks are minimized, the more the rewards are maximized. And with some relationships, there will be the great reward of reestablished trust.

I am so grateful that broken trust doesn’t always mean the end of a relationship. It’s beautiful when the rips are repaired the right way. And in some cases, because repairs require good communication, those relationships grow stronger. It’s much clearer what we each need and desire in the relationship. There’s less mystery. There’s more vulnerability. And there’s a more authentic connection.

I have relationships where this is so wonderfully true. There can be so much joy with relationship restoration. But I also carry the sorrow of other relationships that needed to be released. This journey has shown me I’m stronger than I knew I could be. It has also shown me I have scars that have healed but are so very tender to the touch. My heart is strong and sometimes a little more fragile than it used to be.

Because of what I’ve been through, I’ll probably always have times in my relationships when I have flashes of fear. “What if” questions that pop into my head may make me tense up and momentarily brace myself for heartbreaks unnecessarily. But now I know what to do with all that nervous energy. I don’t unleash it on the people I love, unfairly making them pay for the sins of people in my past. I close my eyes and remind myself to relax. I ask myself what is true in that moment and what is not true. I pray and ask for wisdom. I ask for help if I need to process with someone safe. I ask appropriate questions. I look for the fruit or lack thereof. And I lean into the healing and wisdom I’ve now gained. I got knocked down before, and I may get knocked down again. But one thing I know about myself is that I’m not a girl who stays down.

Excerpted with permission from I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.

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Your Turn

Broken trust is not new. It’s as they say, “as old as sin”… literally. Knowing that God understands and knows how we feel is incredibly helpful. Whether it’s a relationship that can be restored or not, He will be with you! ~ Devotionals Daily